Recap: March (and everything else)

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So you may have noticed an extreme lack of posting in March, and it’s already creeping into April. I don’t have much to recap in this recap post, so I thought I’d explain why.

First, here are the good things that did come out of this blog in March:

I mentioned back in September of 2015 that I was having trouble with my meds after my last psychiatrist retired. I’ve had a few glimmers of hope since then, but nothing that stuck. With my ADHD completely untreated, I’m back to my pre-diagnosis self of 10 years ago, unable to work on much of anything for any period of time that would actually lead to a completed project.

The reason for the change was a blanket rule that “we don’t prescribe stimulants to adults,” which was the result of some doctors in the system over-medicating, apparently. Because I have past issues with drug abuse on my paperwork, they won’t even consider the option of prescribing a controlled substance. My 16 years of sobriety and 10 years of successful treatment without issues (and with great results) doesn’t carry any weight, Turns Out™, as every psychiatrist I see now makes up their mind on the subject before I even get into the room.

Over the last year I’ve been through a series of new psychiatrists (most recently discussed on Overtired 58), and a litany of alternative treatments including Prozac, Wellbutrin and other mood-altering drugs. All of these had negative effects on me, both mental and physical, further increasing my frustration. I’m currently doing a second trial of Strattera. It’s has been mostly fruitless thus far, but it’s my best hope right now, so I’m giving it every chance.

The only option offered for returning to my previous med schedule was for me to complete ADHD testing through a clinic. Note that ADHD is a diagnosis I’ve already received from psychiatric professionals twice before, and have years of evidence that treatment with stimulants works wonders. Over 9 years I went from nothing to a business owner to a senior developer at a large corporation to a fairly successful independent developer. I coded, invented, wrote, podcasted, developed, marketed, and had—by all measures—a successful career of my choosing.

The clinical testing would cost me $1,000 out of pocket, and had no guarantee of changing my situation regardless of the diagnosis. Nine months of being unable to complete projects has not helped my finances, so this was a daunting proposition. I’m desperate at this point, though, so I did it.

Fortunately we found a way to get my insurance to help, and my parents offered to pitch in, so the financial impact is manageable. I’ve completed the testing, but the diagnosis isn’t available until I meet with the resident psychologist, who’s booked out a month. So everything is still just hanging there, with me wondering if there’s a career I’d enjoy that doesn’t require focused thought.

So this is where things are at. This is why BitWriter (the nvALT successor) is still struggling into a beta phase. This is why my children’s book isn’t published yet. This is why so many of my projects are languishing. And this is why I’m feeling broken every day, waking up wondering if I’m ever going to be what I was a year ago. I’ve wanted for a long time to write a post with better news, but I’m still waiting for that news myself.

Thanks to those who’ve continued to support me via subscriptions or even just kind emails over this extended period of quiet. It’s meant a lot, and I’m very grateful that some still have faith in me. Thanks as well to my sponsors from March: 1Password, PDFpenPro, and Backblaze. I really hope to be back at full productivity soon. In the meantime, I will continue to do everything I can.